Last Updated on 17 April 2021 by Colette
I’m not going to be your friend any more…
A phrase uttered daily though every playground and classroom in the land. A phrase which can cause real upset but is rarely lasting.
As an adult friendships are harder to come by and so should be cared for and nurtured …
Sometimes they end in a blazing row, sometimes they fizzle out and you barely notice till it is too late, others it is a conscious decision.
Making the decision to end a friendship is hard and not one to be taken lightly. I’m very lucky to have a number of people to whom I am extremely close and could / would / do tell everything. I work hard to maintain my friendships, to be the best friend I can be and mostly I am rewarded for this ten fold with the best friends I could wish for however, occasionally, you realise you’re not getting back what you put in. Not even close to that in fact. It can be a painful thing to face and an even more painful thing to do something about.
This first happened to me many years ago when I suddenly realised I was doing all the running, all the texting, calling arranging to meet. It was all me. I decided to stop. To just stop getting in touch, to wait and see. To see how long it would take my friend to contact me. And you know what? She didn’t. At all. I was hurt but in the end better off for it as I gave that time to people who appreciated it instead. My twenties saw the unexpected end of an important friendship for me, I never really understood what had gone wrong and always regretted the way things seemed to have turned out. Every now and again I think of them, wonder how they are and ponder if things could have been different. Mostly however, friendships which have ended do so for good reason.
Sometimes you have to step back and assess your relationships. What are you putting into them, what are you getting out? Importantly, over time, does the balance even out? How does the relationship make you feel? There is a friendship analogy which relates to radiators and drains which I first heard many years ago whilst watching Oprah (not something I do regularly I might add).  Essentially the theory is that you can look at your friends or work colleagues (or even perhaps family members) and classify them as “Radiators” or “Drains” . . .
Radiators:
These are the people who you enjoy spending your time with, people who are warm, friendly, supportive. People who leave you feeling better after you’ve spent time with them – they make you feel good about yourself, are there to support you when you need them just as you are for them. The relationship is balanced and equal.
Drains:
These are the relationships where the balance is decidedly less equal. The people who “drain” you of your good mood, of your time or your energy. Of course there’s always times when your friends need you, when they’re having a tough time and rely heavily on your support however there are times where you may well realise that this is a one way street and that actually, should you need them, would they have your back? Perhaps not.
Over the years friendships will come and go, some people will only be in you life for a short time, others a lifetime. I’m extremely lucky to have a number of absolutely amazing friends who I would drop everything for and I know they would do the same for me. Some people I see all the time, others every few months and others still who I only see once in a blue moon but I’m eternally grateful for their presence in my life.
Great post. It applies hugely to some issues I'm experiencing with family and friends at the moment. I love the radiators and drains analogy! X
Great post. I think it happens to us all, and although at the time it can feel awful we actually end up being better off and knowing who our true friends are – especially once you have children!
Lovely post. Having just moved I am trying hard to keep old friendships alive, who I rarely now get to see and to make new ones. It is hard but a lot down to confidence with me. I think it helps having children!
I love this post. I have had a lot of drains over the years but now I am definitely surrounded by radiators! x
I agree with Kate – when you have kids time is so much more difficult to come by I find I have much better friendships now. I think I used to take the time to keep friendships alive that probably should have fizzled out/ended but now I just don't have the energy or time! Great post!
It's just occurred to me that I think before kids I used to mother some friends who were 'drains' so the problem was two sided. Seems I'm doing a little blog commenting as therapy here 😉
Great post, all so true. I'm now at a stage where I just have radiators, which is a happy place to be x
I left all my friends in the Philippines. Would be very very happy to have some here. Not yet happening as I am distant. =(
It's amazing how people you would always consider friends vanish the second you stop putting all the effort in. When I stopped drinking (and therefore going to the pub) virtually no-one who I spent years being friends with even bothers to communicate.
Love this as they quoted this very quote on Made in Chelsea last week I know not as educational as Oprah sorry. lol But so true and I have had my fair share of friendships that were one sided and as I get older and time is precious as we don't get much of it after family has taken most of it up, rightfully. I am choosing wisely who I give my time to. Friendships should be 50/50 always. Great post. Thanks for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme
Brilliant post, I can see myself in some of this. I was that person who chased friendships constantly. I wonder if a bubble pops eventually for all of us and we realise what we've been doing all this time? I
Great post – and something worth reminding ourselves every once in a while. Though as I get older the 'toxic' friendships drop away much quicker!Lx
I had a beautiful friend – she was the first person I called when I had my son (after my parents). As my Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer – she dropped me. For reasons, I still cannot fathom. Maybe she thought I was toxic, but do you know what, now I think of it, she was really toxic. Great post xx
Love this! I don't have time for drains. For me a few friends who are radiators is so much more beneficial and rewarding! x
Fab post and something that I can definitely relate with. Some of my friendships have been fizzling out recently but I think you sometimes notice when you meet new people what real friendship can actually be like!
I am so rubbish at remembering to ask after other people. I think my head was so foggy for so long that I simply was incapable. I feel awful now and I’m trying really hard to get back into the habit – and actually find the time and headspace to remember people.