After the success of Dave’s first guest post I suggested he write about his recent vasectomy (It’s not like it’s something I can really write about!)
If you want to read more official / technical stuff about Vasectomy then check the NHS website but this is Dave’s account of his operation:
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Col suggested I write a post about having a vasectomy. There will be fewer pictures in this post than my last, I submitted some to Col but she was reluctant to publish. Ever the killjoy. Anyway on with the post.
It’s a pretty big decision to make. The snip. Minor surgery in a major area, figuratively speaking anyway. Well the first thing I learned is that everyone has either an opinion or a horror story. The horror stories range from swollen testicles to near death! Quite a range there!
Then there’s the “I know someone who had three pipes instead of two!” or “They reattached themselves after 6 months, his wife got pregnant and they had twins! And he had to go under the knife again!”
However for the vast majority of people the surgery is quick and effective.
It seemed to take quite a while to get to the point of surgery from actually visiting the GP for the first time. You see your GP for a quick appointment which basically goes like this:
“Are you sure you don’t want any more kids?”
“Does your wife want any more kids?”
“Do you know that the surgery is irreversible?”
“I’ll refer you”
I had a close variation of this conversation three times with different people over the following months. This is mirrored when you eventually get to the hospital for the operation. You get asked by every person you meet what you’re there for and your personal details. It’s annoyingly thorough, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Far better that than they get you in there and they chop off the wrong body part or give you a boob job or something because they’ve mixed up your notes or got you confused with someone else!
I was surprised by how keen they were for me to be sedated. Apparently that’s the normal procedure at the hospital I was at as they’ve had a few people freak out on the operating table. It came down to them saying they couldn’t force me to have sedation but they recommended it. I pushed on with only local anaesthetic. Because I’m all man! And I wanted to get home as quick as possible!
The surgery itself was pretty quick. 15 minutes I think. It started with some heavy squeezing from the surgeon. (I feel sorry for his stress toys!) I assume he was trying to find the pipes so he could cut in the right place. Then they’re off. (The surgery, rather than the nuts!) It’s odd trying not to think about what’s going on when that’s all your mind keeps going back too. Like being told not to think of a red penguin. Your mind keeps circling.
Luckily there was a bloke in the operating room who started chatting to me. I believe he was the anaesthetist but his job title was far less important than his good natured nattering. This was a life saver. Totally took my mind off it and I spent pretty much the whole surgery chatting about the state of the energy markets and the pros and cons of various power stations. (I know what you’re thinking, I’m wicked fun at parties!) I thanked him profusely afterwards. His final words to me where to “take it easy” and not to “do any house work, like cooking”. I asked “How long for?” He said “A year!” (This sounded like good solid advice to me, from a medical practitioner no less, but alas in our house if I did that we’d all starve!)
It was fairly painless. The injections for the local hurt as much as any injection you’ve ever had and the only uncomfortable bit was when they started on the right hand side, I had to ask for some extra anaesthetic as my leg was twitching quite a bit as they started to cut. Other than that it was fine and over very quickly.
Once it’s done you’re introduced to my favourite part of the whole thing. The ball sling! Its proper name is a scrotal support but I much prefer my own colloquialism. It’s essentially a net pouch the cups your newly liberated testicles and holds them up via a strap which runs round above your backside. There’s even a hole for your todger to pop through! Brilliant stuff, I’d recommend something of this ilk to anyone. Even if they weren’t having the surgery. It’s great to take the weight off your balls! (I hope you are joking darling husband!)
Once you’re strapped up it’s time to go home. Although if you’ve had sedation you’ll be waiting a bit longer till you’re back to normal first. Col came and picked me up and drove me home. I snuck straight upstairs out of the way of the kids. They’ve an incredible knack of kneeing / elbowing me in the plums at the best of times so we’d agreed beforehand that I’d stay out of the way for the first night. They were told I had a sore tummy and they seemed to accept that quite easily, why wouldn’t they?
I was advised by the nurse before I left that tight pants were the best thing to keep everything in order and aid my recuperation, and that standing up for long periods of time would lead to “swollen testicles”. I thought my boxers would do the trick for tight pants, I favour relatively snug ones anyway, but they were apparently too loose as by the evening I had some aching. Col went out and bought me so Tesco Value underpants! Five pairs for £5! They didn’t look good in any way shape or form but they did the job and held me in. I probably over did it on the first day at home on my own. Nothing ridiculous, just loading the dishwasher and putting some washing on but by the evening everything was feeling tender and uncomfortable. So my advice to anyone else would be even though you feel alright, it’s probably best to take it easy. At least for a few days. (I’d like to add that I had taken the kids out for the day and expressly told him not to do anything!! I might have uttered the words “I told you so” rather smugly when I got home!)
Four days post op and all was fairly normal apart from a weird sensation of my testicles being very loose. I can only describe it as like having marbles rolling around in your pocket. Not too surprising considering they’d been chopped from the pipe by which they hang but odd nonetheless. It’s pretty much passed now and all is back to normal.
It took a week till I was back at work and that’s that. Just go to wait for 5 months now before I can start presenting my samples to strangers! Sounds like fun. You’ve got to give one every 3 months till you blow clear. (What a lovely turn of phrase)
Hopefully they’ll give me no bother and not reconnect and just enjoy their retirement. They’ve earned it. Done their bit for our family and the human race in general!
There you go then – get tight pants, sit on your bum for a bit and the job’s a good un!
PS I just had to include this picture I found as it made me giggle!
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