Last Updated on 1 September 2021 by Colette
Keeping things “fair” when you have more than one child is really important – although we’ve learned over time that it doesn’t always actually have to BE fair, just be PERCEIVED to be fair.
Of course there are times where things aren’t fair – either because they can’t be or just don’t need to be – and this is important too. Life isn’t always fair and we do need to make sure our little ones have the opportunity to experience this and learn how to deal with it.
However, when it comes to our time, money or opportunities – we do try to keep things as fair as possible.
1. If you set an “age” rule for one, make sure you stick to it for the others!
I remember as a teen, wanting to get a second ear piercing and my Mum made me wait til I was 16, but then let my sister do it much younger – of course it didn’t really matter in the scheme of things but it wasn’t “fair” that I’d had to wait and she didn’t. There are certain things we’ve set “age” rules for – for example Ben wasn’t allowed to walk to the shop on his own till he was 9, and whilst Chloe is probably more sensible then Ben and could be trusted to do it now, she won’t be allowed to until she’s 9. They all know they will get a phone for their birthday when they are 11, they’re not allowed to get their ears pierced until they are 11 . . . Setting age limits to things does make it easier to keep things fair, and to put younger ones off when they see their older sibling doing things they can’t, “Well he wasn’t allowed to do that till he was 9, so you will be able to do it then too“.
2. What you do for one, you need to be prepared to do for the others
My Mum & Dad always worked really hard to keep things as fair as possible between my sister and I when we were kids. However, as a child I had flute lessons for about five years – I dread to think how much that cost my parents – Nic wanted to learn the saxophone but they couldn’t afford to do both so whether it’s cos I got in there first or they decided I showed more natural musical ability I don’t know but I got years of music lessons that my sister didn’t – she likes to bring that up occasionally!
When Ben reviewed Stagecoach some years ago, he’d have loved to carry on after the complimentary sessions had finished, however it was quite expensive and we were aware that whilst we could probably afford it for him, we wouldn’t then be able to afford for the girls to go later and that wouldn’t be fair. So, whenever one of our children starts a new club or activity, we always have in the back of our minds that we need to be able to do the same for the other two if they want to.
Ben did a Mad Science Club at school last term (it was quite an expensive after school activity) and the deal was that we would pay half if he paid half. Chloe also wanted to do the club but it wasn’t feasible in terms of childcare – she felt that it wasn’t fair that he could do when she couldn’t but we told her that she can do it in Year 6, on the same terms as Ben.
3. Your time matters too
With three, it can be really important to make sure that everyone feels they are getting an equal share of your time and attention. Each year, I plan a “Mummy” day for each child, where we go out and they get to decide what we do. We take it in turns and I remind them that they’ve already had their turn or that their turn is coming next – making sure they are aware that one of them isn’t getting more Mummy days than the others.
4. Make sure they see you keeping things equal
This might be about whose turn it is to have a friend round for tea, what jobs they have to do to earn their pocket money or even what time they go to bed. And whilst things can’t possibly be the “same” for all three children when they are all different ages, we do try to make sure the rules or expectations are fair – for example if Ben complains that he does more jobs around the house than Amy, I can remind him that he did less jobs when he was 6 and that he also gets four times the pocket money she does at the moment!
5. Grandad Rules
This is a big one and relates to sharing food . . . (which if I’m honest my kids aren’t good at – Ben and Chloe would often rather go without something than have to share it . . .)
Years ago, a friend of my Dad’s told him that if kids were to share a biscuit / piece of cake etc, one had to cut / break it and the other got to choose – there’s no arguing over someone’s piece being bigger that way – and you just watch how carefully the first child cuts that cake!
This is now known in our house as Grandad Rules!
6. Remind them that life isn’t fair
Much as you do want to keep things fair between your children, it is important to make sure they realise that life isn’t always fair and nor does it always need to be.
“It really doesn’t matter that he got more bread with his soup than you did – he’s bigger than you!”
I’m constantly reminding our three that food isn’t about what is equal but about need. Amy absolutely doesn’t need to eat as much as her ten year old brother. So as long as they have what they need then it is actually fair!
I’d love to know if you have top tips for keeping things fair with multiple children or if this is something you struggle with?
Click here to read: Three Under 5 . . . Five years later
This was a really interesting read. I have a son and two stepchildren; two boys the same age and a girl two years younger. My girl is very mature so we sometimes forget how young she is and tend to give her the same responsibilities as the boys. We’ve drawn the line at a phone though, so she’ll have to wait until she’s the same age we were. My partner and I both try to make sure we have one on one time with each child but I think sometimes my stepkids can feel a bit resentful that my son gets so much time with their dad (they’re always asking for more time with us) but we remind them that while we’re doing stuff here, they’re doing lovely things with their mum, stepdad and stepbrothers. My son doesn’t have that opportunity, he’s only got us. It’s definitely a tricky one to navigate!