It’s a year today since we lost our pup. But I still forget.
Just the other morning I woke early and, lying in bed unable to sleep, thought “I might as well get up and let Thomas out” – almost as soon as the thought had formed I remembered that no, there was no need. He wasn’t there.
Six month after Thomas died, I wrote about dealing with the loss of our pet – and I explained that I no longer brace myself for impact when I open the front door, nor do I immediately walk to the back door to let him out when I get home – those habits have been broken. We are used to the fact he has gone.
However, it’s the times when I’m home on my own that it’s most obvious that he’s not here. There’s no claws tapping on the living room floor, no snuffling and snoring from his bed in the kitchen and nobody there with me when when I open the door to countless deliveries. The house is quiet.
The kids, Chloe in particular, ask with reasonable regularity when we will get another dog and the answer is that I just don’t know. My little sister tagged me in a picture of a beautiful boxer pup on facebook the other month and he looked so much like Thomas. In that instant I wanted a puppy so badly.
Realistically, since we’ve lost Thomas, my allergies have improved dramatically, the house is far cleaner without his mucky paw prints and dusty dog hair, and we no longer have to worry about making sure we’re not out for too long if we go on an adventure. In many ways life is easier without him. But I still want him back.
Long before Thomas died, Dave and I had agreed that we wouldn’t get another puppy for quite a long time. We had expected Thomas would live to be around 10 or 11. We had discussed the fact that it would be foolish to get a new dog at that time thinking about how we would have enough on with three children and how training a puppy with the kids at that age could be quite hard. However, this was all hypothetical and about three years away, or so we thought.
When I’m thinking rationally I don’t want a puppy at all – I know we haven’t got the time to dedicate to training, walking and generally caring for a puppy. We are out of the house for too long, too often. It wouldn’t be fair.
I don’t want a puppy right now. I do want Thomas.