That’s it. The bar is now closed. Permanently. Calling time on the milk bar has been a tough one for me – I started dropping feeds at the end of July but haven’t quite been able to bring myself to end those last night time feeds until now. This is in part due to the fact that it’s so much easier to just pop a boob in and get her back to bed than it is to mess around with bottles and trying to settle her otherwise – yes perhaps I’m lazy but I just want to be asleep like everyone else.
But there’s more to it than that. Much as I want need a full night’s sleep, I know I will miss those sleepy night time feeds. The time when it’s just me and Amy, snuggled up together warm and drowsy. I look at her little face in wonder – I drink in her sleepy little contended sighs and want to freeze those moments. Moments that I will never get back and never have again. Breastfeeding has been a special experience for me with each of my babies and I’ve always been sad when the time has come to stop. Never more so than now as I know its final.
For the last few weeks we’ve been holding “Happy Hour” with the bar open just at night but like all good things, this had to come to and end. Amy was still waking at least twice a night, if not more. I had been torn between waiting for her to be in her own room when I knew it would be easier for Dave to go in for a few nights and her not know I was there . . . or just getting on with it in the hope she would finally learn to sleep through and we’d all get a better night’s sleep.
|One of our final bedtime feeds x|
In the end my being away for the MADS over night made the perfect full stop – Dave was going to be feeding her while I was away for the night anyhow and I reasoned that with only doing a couple of feeds a night my supply would likely suffer anyway. As it was we did our last feed in the early hours of Thursday morning and I’ve had absolutely no discomfort or leaking since.
On Monday morning, after two nights where she hadn’t slept any better at all, I fully regretted my decision to stop. I wished I had waited. I knew it was too late. The main reason for finally stopping was selfish really, I wanted her to sleep through. If she wasn’t going to sleep through then why was I wasting time and money on bottles that could have been breast . . . ?
Last night however, she only woke once and even slept in for a bit in the morning. I had a full, blissful 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep for the first time in quite some time. Of course I appreciate that might not be the case tonight, it might have been a fluke rather than the start of a habit but it made me feel better about my decision. Either way it’s done now and there’s no going back.
Dave has been getting up to do the feeds since Saturday as we figured she would take the bottle more happily from him. I didn’t want her to think I was holding back on her. I assume by now that my milk has all but dried up and she will soon forget that was ever an option.
So that’s it. The bar is closed. There will be no more breastfeeding for this Mummy.
(On the plus side it means I can rediscover the joy of WIRE and wear whatever I want without having to think about easy access or if you can see my breast pads)